Originally posted – Nov 08, 2013
“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody is listening.” – Franklin P. Jones, American journalist
Humans (and most other animals) are born with two ears and one mouth – which can be interpreted to mean that we should listen twice as much as we talk.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t adhere to this approach. And that can greatly affect your business, as well as your relationships with people in all areas of your life.
So, how do we actually hear? Let’s start with the basics: the ear.
Anatomically speaking, when we detect sounds or noise our body is changing the energy in sound waves into nerve impulses, which the brain then interprets. Sound waves are produced when the air is mechanically disturbed.
When we hear a sound, these sound waves enter the ear canal and cause the eardrum to vibrate. These vibrations pass through three bones in the middle ear and set the fluid in motion within the inner ear. The moving fluid bends thousands of delicate hair-like cells, which convert the vibrations to nerve impulses that are then carried to the brain by the auditory nerve. Finally, in the brain, these impulses are converted into what we “hear” as sound.
OK, enough anatomy.
One of the greatest measures of respect you can give another person is to genuinely listen to him or her with a high degree of interest and concern for what they are saying. Good listeners are rare. Word has it that former President Bill Clinton is a terrific listener and that may be one of the reasons he was elected in the first place.
Some people have the ability to make the person they are listening to feel as though he or she is the most important person in the listener’s world at that moment. That’s a great skill to have. It endears you to people and enhances the quality of your relationship with them.
Becoming a better listener also can help you become a more peaceful and relaxed person because you’re no longer “competing for the podium,” so to speak.
What’s more, not allowing people to finish their sentences and interrupting them can become an automatic habit. This is a common tendency in busy people; and, in today’s hectic world, it encourages both parties to speed up their speech and their thinking. In turn, this can make both parties nervous, irritable and somewhat annoyed.
Having a conversation with another person in your business world – such as a customer, an attendant or your landlord – should not be a stressful experience, regardless of the topic or subject being discussed. The key is to allow the individual to fully speak his or her mind and then (and only then) respond.
When people feel they are being heard and really listened to, it typically will relax them – and, even if they are voicing a complaint, it will mitigate the intensity of the situation and often pave the way to a friendly and realistic solution.
Communication is not a race. If you learn to patiently listen, the speaker will feel comfortable slowing down and not feel as if he or she is in competition with you for domination of the conversation.
It’s also true that different people hear and comprehend at different speeds. Perhaps you are the type that prefers to have people speak to you slowly for you to better process what is being communicated. If you constantly interrupt the speaker and thereby induce him or her to speak faster, you are essentially creating a situation that will make you uncomfortable and perhaps affect your thinking patterns.
In today’s world, many large companies actually provide formal listening skills training for their employees. They do so because they realize that creating better listening skills in their employees often leads to better customer satisfaction and greater employee productivity with fewer mistakes and thus more creative working habits.
There are a number of basic principles of good listening:
First, consciously decide to stop talking and actually listen carefully, because really listening is not the same as simply hearing.
Second, prepare yourself to listen by relaxing and focusing on the speaker. Turning off your cell phone is a great start, because taking a call while listening to another individual is quite often interpreted as disrespectful and rude.
Third, watch for all nonverbal forms of communication, such as gestures, facial expressions, and head and eye movements. These can be critical parts of the message being transmitted.
Fourth, pay close attention to the speaker’s tone of voice. How loud is the person talking? Also, be sure to notice which words are emphasized and often repeated. These are excellent clues to exactly what he or she is really saying.
Fifth, use gestures of your own to acknowledge what is being said, such as head nods, smiles and such phrases as “I see” and “I understand.” In other words, convey the message back to the speaker that you are empathetic with what is being said to you.
Lastly, be patient and permit the speaker to completely finish his or her thoughts. At that point, you can decide the appropriate time to respond. A great technique is to repeat or paraphrase what has been said so that the speaker knows you were definitely paying close attention.
Listening effectively is a great talent that can be acquired but must be regularly practiced for you to get really good at it. If you’re a controlling type of person by nature, you might find comfort in this skill because by letting a person fully express his or her thoughts you are actually exerting a form of control. However, this form will work for you rather than against you.
It’s important to mention that we listen for many different reasons, and our listening behavior must be customized to fit the specific occasion. For example, we listen to learn information, to gain understanding, for enjoyment and to be amused. Be sure to develop a repertoire of listening skills and methods to fit specific occasions. Listening to a complaint from a customer or an explanation from an attendant requires a different set of receptive behaviors on your part than listening to a concert, a standup comedian, a lecture or your spouse.
Interestingly, a lot of research is being done on the subject of listening differences between males and females. Recently, British researchers have reported “female voices are more complex than male voices, which makes men’s brains work harder to listen when listening to them.”
The study goes on to say that “the shape and size of female vocal cords and larynx lead women to speak with a greater range of sound frequencies than men. Women also have more natural melody in their voices. Listening to female voices activates the auditory center of a man’s brain, which then must analyze the different sounds at the same time he is interpreting the words.”
Lastly, the study has discovered that “men process other male voices in a different portion of their brain, which explains why people who hear voices generally only hear male voices.”
The subject of listening has always been a popular subject of humor, often revolving around the common complaint from women that “men just don’t listen well.”
Here’s the funniest joke I’ve ever heard on the subject:
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter and I will mail you a check. By the way, don’t worry about my huge bulldog, Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not – under any circumstances – talk to my parrot. I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog simply laid there peacefully, watching the repairman go about his work.
However, the parrot drove him nuts the entire time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
Maybe women are correct – men just don’t listen.
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